Day two complete – no drinking

Day two was interesting.

First, I had a stressful day at work. I won’t bore you with the details but it is just frustrating. Normally, I would be ready to go home and beginning my numbing process. I knew this was not an option now. I am proud to say I never once thought of opening a bottle (I have no boxes left) of wine and drinking it. My self-talk was, “Ok, you got to be able to deal with this.” “it is going to be fine.”

I worked out and went to the grocery store. I eventually got to the point when I was drinking to not go to different stores, because I just didn’t care what anyone thought. In I went and got my husband, who can drink just one drink and stop, his Wild Turkey. I got a gallon of milk, detox tea (might help), variety tea, and diet ginger ale. Got home and the usual was going on: husband asking what was for dinner and where our daughter was. Son bugging husband to come show him something – probably hunting related. The dogs and cats always follow me around begging to feed them even though they have already been feed. As I unpack the groceries, I am curious if my husband notices I have not bought wine and if he sees the diet ginger ale and wonders what this is for.

The only true “related to me not drinking” aspects I noticed were when I emptied the dishwasher I saw the wine glasses – some of my very favorite glasses and got sort of sad thinking I wouldn’t use them any longer. When I went to get a glass of diet ginger ale, I smiled when I realized I can drink from any glass I want! And, diet ginger ale (DGA) looks like white wine – huh, go figure. I seriously think my husband thought it was wine. I had one more DGA, which took a whole lot longer for me to consume than actual wine, and then I switched to the detox tea. I have intentionally not used sugar with my tea because I don’t want to become a sugar-oholic

I found an error in the sweater I am knitting – probably when I thought I was sober enough to do the pattern and wasn’t. So I pulled it all out and started over. My daughter was so surprised by this – I guess I may need to re-knit some other items. Or at least do an audit.

Normally I am done and asleep (passed out) by the latest 9pm. Here it was going on 930pm and I was going strong. I started knitting again and got to a good stopping point and stopped. Husband went to bed about 915 and I took care of dogs and getting coffee ready for the morning, etc. This was the second night in a row I clearly remember every part of the evening. I took some melatonin because I suspected I’d have trouble sleeping even though I was actually tired.

Another reaction I saw was my daughter. She caught me coming down the hall going to bed and asked about redecorating her room and I said I would consider this but I was tired and we could talk about it later. Then she gently grabbed my head and kissed my forehead – she’s taller than me now. Clearly she has noticed. This makes me happy and sad at the same time – I really was that bad. Ugh. I cannot change what I’ve done; I can only change how I am going forward.

I remember on the “Unpickled” blog one of the comments from another woman was she started taking better care of herself. Last night I used my facial cleanser, moisturizer – all the good stuff. The best part is when I got into bed my husband scooped me up and told me he loves me so much. So he knows too and is being respectful enough to not mention it. At this point it was very hard to keep my emotions in check. I took a deep breath and acknowledged my achievement of another day without destroying my life and fell asleep quickly.

I don’t know if this is a withdrawal symptom because I am also peri-menopausal but I am sweating at night. I had to wash my sheets this morning kind of sweating. Ok, that seems to indicate it is a withdrawal symptom.

I slept fairly well, when I did wake up it was just for a few seconds. I woke up without a headache, no sour stomach or wondering what I did last night.

I feel very good about my decision and my follow through so far.

Until later,
Christine

 

Feeling good!

Well, I made it through day one and it wasn’t hard at all.

I realize that it will get difficult, but I also know enough about life to celebrate the victories. So yeah me!

Normally, I would down a huge amount of water in the morning, followed by a diet coke and then followed by a freesca on the way to work and then a thermos of coffee once at work. Gee, do you think I was dehydrated? My goal today is to drink water all-day.

Last night I got a bunch of things done. Normally, after about 630pm, I was done. Sitting in my “spot” with the wine glass perched on the coaster beside me. Last night I had mint tea. It was actually very refreshing and the warmth was nice on a cold night.

I haven’t told anyone in my life yet of my decision. Why? Several reasons: 1. I don’t want to answer any questions right now. 2. I feel it is my problem and I should have some privacy in solving this. 3. There’s part of me that thinks if I just change this it won’t be as dramatic – I hate drama with a passion. When asked about this I’ll answer honestly, but I don’t want to talk about it – yet. I will. I know I have effected my families life negatively with my bad habit. I’ll own up and apologize at a time I am ready.

Have a great day!
Christine

Quitting drinking – Day one

I’m doing this. I am no longer sitting here in my family room with a glass of wine and drinking.

I searched online for “help quitting drinking” and came up with a blog titled “unpickled.” Instantly I found that I am among a sea of others with the same problem.

What do we do? We come home after a full day of work, making sure to stop at the store so we have enough of our chosen poison for the evening. And we sit and drink – usually quietly. Sometimes not so much.

It started years ago with just a glass of wine after a stressful day. Then one turns in two, weekends start sooner and then we lose track of how many drinks we’ve had and it is every day. There’s comfort in the routine. When that first drink goes down, I can feel myself become calmer. But after a couple more, I am not calm, I am numb. Numb to everything.

I knew I had to quit when I couldn’t remember how I got to bed at night. I couldn’t remember if I brushed my teeth. Then my husband would start a morning conversation with me that started with, “Do you remember last night?” I’d tell myself I wouldn’t drink as much, but I did and it would happen again.

I want to break free of this prison. If you have seen the anti-smoking commercials of the people going outside to smoke you know what I mean. Drinking has the same control over us.

What I look most forward to right now is feeling better. I think I’ve had a permanent hangover for years. My stomach always is uneasy. My hands started shaking about a year ago – at least that I noticed. I want to wake up in the morning and not have bloodshot eyes and a vice on my head.

The biggest thing that has clicked with me is that in quitting drinking I now realize I am not missing drinking, I am missing my life if I don’t quit.

I seriously thought that I would keep drinking and if it ended my life sooner than at least I enjoyed myself. Enjoyed?

Two weeks ago my idea of a New Year’s resolution was to not by wine in a box – because this makes it so easy to drink way more than I should and go back to bottles. (shaking my head) I am much smarter than this.

So this is the beginning. The beginning of waking up without blood-shot eyes, without feeling like my stomach as enough acid in it to eat away a diamond. It is the beginning of driving home and stopping at the store for anything but wine.

Things I already noticed:

1. I’m selling something on craigslist. An interested buyer asked to come by at 7pm tomorrow to look at the item and possibly purchase. 7pm is smack dab in the middle of drinking time. I would have never scheduled this before. I did for tomorrow.
2. I smiled a lot today. The relief feels good.
3. My husband, who I have not told this to him, said I was quiet tonight.
4. My daughter was surprised when I offered to pick her up from cheer-leading practice – I do not drink and drive.

Until next time…
Christine